Wedding speech jokes and one liners

This page is specifically for people who have to deliver a funny speech.

It's a collection of one liners, funny quotes, stories and funny wedding jokes. If you know of any others, please add them via the comments below.

They are divided into categories but some can be customized to fit whatever role you're playing.

Groom one liners

I'm a bit nervous... this is the first time I've had to make a Groom's speech
Thanks to everyone that offered their advice when I told them I was getting married. The comments ranged from "Well done" to "about time" and "What are you doing you stupid fool!"
When thanking the best man... "Thanks for what you said... and more importantly for what you didn't say"
We'd like to thank our parents because... quite frankly we wouldn't be here without them
Tradition says we should give flowers, but Andrea and I wanted to give you something more permanent. So we are getting you a tattoo each!
Thanks Dad for the kind words. I hope $20 was enough.
I have to thank you both (Father of the bride) & (mother of the bride) for bringing up such a beautiful and intelligent daughter. I’ll leave you to argue over which trait comes from who.
(Father of the bride) has written out a receipt for me, it says:
"Received one daughter in perfect condition, fully guaranteed, fully warranted. Comes complete with all extras. Keep topped up with expensive jewelery, and fine wine."
But not to be outdone, (Father of the groom) has a receipt to give to (my wife), it says:
"Received one son, sold as is, no refunds under any circumstances. We've changed the locks so you're stuck with him. "

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts --Jeff Foxworthy
They say a Best Man's speech should only last as long as the Groom on his wedding night. Thankyou and have a great night

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