After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
- The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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